"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending" - C. S. Lewis.
As parents, we often get caught up in what seems like an endless struggle with our children. When I experience these struggles, I recognise the internal thought processes that get in my way. I find myself caught up in a loop of not-so-valuable thoughts.
These 'thoughts' can be crushing sometimes. I'm sure many of you have experienced the same internal dialogue - "I'm a bad parent", "I can't do this anymore!", "I don't like my children". An endless loop of self-doubt looms over us throughout the day, making the role of a parent seem like it's nothing but the most tortuous job on this planet. And, to be honest, it is at times - no doubt about that!
Coyne and Murrell (p.14, 2009) describe this experience as "struggling in quicksand"—the more we struggle with our internal chatter, the worse it gets. Honestly, there's no denying it can make us feel horrible at times!! However, when we get caught up in the unhelpful chatter, we are missing out on so much.
I have found some relief from those unhelpful thoughts through the use of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT focuses on the association between human language and cognition—the relationships we construct with our thoughts and how those relational thoughts control our behaviours. A growing body of evidence-based solid research is now available to support ACT's effectiveness.
ACT is a very simple model that teaches us how to develop the psychological flexibility to respond differently to those pesky, unhelpful thoughts. With ACT, we can learn how to discriminate between the helpful and unhelpful internal chatter we experience and decide on a course of action that will steer us towards more meaningful and fulfilling relationships with our children.
Dr Russ Harris, the best-selling author of 'The Happiness Trap' and a world-renowned trainer of ACT, describes the goal of this mindfulness-based training as "maximising human potential for a rich, full and meaningful life by accepting what is out of your control, and committing to action that improves and enriches your life". By allowing those pesky thoughts to control our behaviours, we miss out on connecting with things that matter to us. An example is when we tell ourselves that 'I'm a bad parent". When we repeatedly tell ourselves we are a bad parent, it is getting in the way of achieving our full potential of being a 'great parent'.
ACT is about moving towards what we value in our lives. It is about taking committed action. Hayes (2018) describes values as "chosen qualities of being and doing." These could be your relationship with your child, being a better parent or partner, or ensuring your family lives a healthier lifestyle. Everyone's values are different depending on our circumstances. It's about focussing on and building your life around what matters to you and working towards these values.
I have created my 'good ship of values' as a metaphor when contemplating what truly matters to me. Creating values guides my behaviours and how I would like to improve my relationships with myself and those around me. I also like it because I can steer it away to a new course anytime, particularly when those unhelpful thoughts may want to hitch a ride! I can acknowledge and nod to those undesirable thoughts, but they can't come where I'm heading, so I wave them goodbye!
Right now, begin the process of thinking about and taking action toward what truly matters to you, and start loading your ship, boat, or yacht of chosen values today!
References:
Hayes, S. (2019). A Liberated Mind: The Essential Guide to ACT. London: Penguin Random House.
Coyne, L. W., & Murrell, A. R. (2009). The joy of parenting: An acceptance and commitment therapy guide to effective parenting in the early years. Oakland, CA, US: New Harbinger Publications.
Harris, R. (2006) Embracing Your Demons: an Overview of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. (2006). Psychotherapy In Australia, 12(4).
Leonard - Curtin, A. and Leonard - Curtin, T. (2019). The Power Of Small.
Dublin: Hachette Books Ireland.